Al The Plumber

Nauseating Bridge Quotes: Charlie Parker

CHARLIE PARKER: (cross-referenced to Warren Rosner, Doug Ross, and Allan Stauber)

Warren Rosner and Doug Ross left the bridge playing area in the RPI Student Union to get grub from the vending machines. They wouldn’t be gone very long, but I very, very hurriedly set up a smother play on Rosner, my LHO. This play has been written up in many bridge books and publications, but it is rarely seen in real life. Rosner had Kxxx of spades, Parker had Axx, Ross had x, and I had QJT9x. To make it, I could not afford to lose a trick to the apparently “non-finessable” K. If you are not familiar with the play, please check it out on the web or in bridge books. Then hope you get a chance to use it some millennium.

Parker and I were Vul; Rosner and Ross were NV. I told Parker to make sure we got to 4 no matter what happened. I only had time to give Rosner a very attractive lead, but another one would beat 4. I inadvertently had given Ross xxxxx & Qxxxx in the minors.

When they got back, the bidding proceeded as follows:

Stauber: 1

Rosner: Pass

Parker: 2

Ross: 2NT (showing the “minors”)

Stauber: 3

Rosner: X (penalties)

Parker (the good soldier): 4 !!!

Stauber: You #%@^!&(%@&(*%)#!%^#*&^%#@*&^%()#&(^#*(%# !!!!!

After the usual type of Student Union disorder was finally restored, Rosner also hit 4 . Fortunately, he made his attractive lead. I therefore was able to execute the smother play as planned, and thus 4X was made.

A bunch of RPI players trotted off to the Johnstown, NY Sectional in search of some highly revered masterpoints that would eventually lead to life glorification by the ACBL. I went along even though I was really only interested in the 72 virgins that I would get to endplay for each time I was subjected to a suicide squeeze by one of my partners. By the way, thus far I have processed 72,000,000 virgins. In the Qualifying Session of a 2-session Open Pair event, I played in another excellent contract that made. It merely depended on a double squeeze, including one opponent holding all of the K, Q, J, and 10 of diamonds so the diamond 9 would be a threat card.

A few rounds later in the session:

Charlie Parker (at approximately 1,000,000 decibels): AW RIGHT, DOUBLE- SQUEEZE!

For some other players sitting in our direction, that may have been a slight clue how to play that board. We qualified second, only ½ point behind the leaders. But we might have been in a better position relative to some other pairs, if they had not perhaps benefited from Parker’s slight indiscretion. Fortunately, Rosner and I had the best final session and won anyway. Nevertheless, the event was a disaster. My virgin endplay total had remained the same!

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