Nauseating Bridge Quotes Ad Nauseam, an Introduction

WARNING! It’s your extreme misfortune to be viewing the latest release of this undocumented document. Tough luck! The use of anti-nausea medication may be advisable before proceeding further.

These quotes and associated incidents all are drawn from my bridge “career”, although sometimes I was not an active perpetrator. Some are exact; others are as best remembered from possibly eons ago. To my limited knowledge or complete lack thereof, most have not been published anywhere — a few exceptions are quotes from bridge publications.

There are probably plenty of lists regarding other players and incidents, so I won’t tire out my keyboard making up yet another one. This is just an early shot over the board. If you have any other completely inappropriate quotes involving me, please send them and the circumstances.

If a player has cross-referenced names in the parentheses after his name, it indicates that those people were somehow involved in situations with him, occasionally even if they were only connected through a third party. To avoid massive duplication, each event (and its quotes) is usually only listed for the first participant with the lowest alphabetical name, last name first.

Please advise me of errors of any type.

Note: There may have been some Zero Tolerance and Active Ethics violations, but rules are made to be broken, especially in the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (RPI) Student Union!

Believe it or not, the RPI money games were pretty clean if you don’t mind a lot of name calling. The others were more like Candid Camera, America’s Funniest Home Videos, etc., but without all of the recording equipment. For example, players hardly ever got confused whether a double was clearly for penalties or not. The former was indicated by smashing the table as hard as possible, or better yet, jumping up on it, and politely saying:

“DOUBLE!”

Also, after yet another outrageous swindle, normally the perpetrator(s) would notify the victim(s) of as many as possible of their traits such as: gullibility, stupidity, complete inability to play bridge, and a bunch of characteristics that are usually printed something like this &%#^, @)^!%, #&(!@*, etc.

THAT’S THE WAY BRIDGE WAS MEANT TO BE PLAYED!

*****

(Editor’s Note: Over the next few weeks we’re going to be presenting Al’s impressive undertaking in segments, so as not to overwhelm the reader. Expect a new post every couple of days!)